I For You
by Insignificance
Summary: shounen ai RanKen, Aya's POV sometimes the easiest decision can be the hardest thing to do.


I For You  
By: Silver Star  
  
  
~I was told that the truth is,   
That I can't love anyone.~  
  
  
I've always believed that I couldn't love. I've killed so   
many, destroyed so much, that I sometimes still see the red smear   
of blood and the black ashes of evil staining my hand. And this,   
all of this, is for the sake of revenge. For the sake of a young   
girl who might never wake up.   
  
And sometimes in the dead of the night, when the world is   
sleeping away peacefully, unaware of the evil that inhabits it, I   
wonder to myself, is it worth it? Is getting my revenge worth   
this nightmarish reality? Is it worth leaving everything I had   
behind? My innocence, my youth, my heart, I had to leave all of   
those behind to my past so I can reach for something that   
continued to slip through my fingers. So is it worth it? Is it   
worth letting go of my ability to love and the chance to be loved   
in return?   
  
I asked myself that questions so many times but only one   
answer remained.   
  
I don't know.  
  
I don't know what love is, what it feels like, to know if   
it was something that I need. I look at those couples sitting on   
the bench in the park and I could see nothing. I look at the   
happily married couples with kids and I see nothing. Happiness,   
yeah, I see that shining in those couples' eyes, but I don't see   
love because I don't know what it is. So I believed that I   
couldn't love. If I don't know what love is, or can even see it   
at all, how can I love and be loved in return? That was the   
conclusion I came up with each and every time I asked myself   
those questions.  
  
But that was before I met you.   
  
  
~My meeting with the frightened you,   
I finally see why.~  
  
  
In that one moment when our eyes met, I thought I saw fear.   
Not the fear of dying, no. I've seen so many people's eyes fill   
with the fear of death and dying as I prepared to deliver the   
final blow to not be able to tell. No, the fear within your eyes   
was for something different.   
  
It was the fear of loosing your heart.  
  
To a guilty one like me.   
  
I'm sure you can see the guilt that I have for all the   
blood that I had spilled and the destruction that I had caused.   
I understand why you were afraid. Who would want to love a   
bloodstained murderer like me?   
  
So we fought.   
  
  
~If the two of us met, just to wound each other,   
That's way too sad.~  
  
  
The battle lasted a long time. It wasn't just that fight   
we had on the rooftop the first time we met or the second time in   
the flower shop. It was a private battle that aimed to hurt, to   
open any old wounds that we could find. Each word we exchanged   
had a hidden meaning that no one but us could understand.   
  
Even as I hurt and bleed from the wounds you inflicted, I   
understand why. I fought back and hid behind a mask of ice,   
hurting as each time I hurt you but rejoicing as well whenever   
you retreated away from me, because I know it was what you wanted   
all along; to be able to leave me without wanting to come back.   
  
But it didn't work, did it?  
  
  
~From my heart, I want to tell you,  
I must have been looking for your true self.~  
  
  
I think I fell in love with you the moment I met you and   
despite your self-denials, I know you did, too. But if this is   
love, then I don't want it. It hurts too much. Not only does it   
hurt me but it hurts you as well, and I don't ever want you to be   
hurt. Never.  
  
And yet, there are times when I'm in your presence that I   
felt strange warmth flowing through me. And it feels good.   
  
Did you feel that warm feeling, too? Is that why you   
finally gave in and stopped fighting? Is that why you came back   
to the shop, dripping wet from the thunderstorm outside, sadness   
clinging to you, yet smiling as if a heavy weight had just been   
lifted from you?   
  
Is that why you finally confessed that you love me?  
  
  
~You still smile so awkwardly,   
Because sorrow still suits you best.~  
  
  
I never gave you my reply.  
  
I still treated you coldly like before. I still push you   
away. But never once did you complain, instead gracing me with   
that beautiful smile of yours each and every time. They were   
awkward smiles, sometimes uncomfortable, sometimes sad, but they   
were genuine smiles, nonetheless.   
  
No one who had known what I am had ever smiled at me truly   
before.   
  
  
~If I was born, yes, just to meet you,  
I wonder if it can be changed...~  
  
  
Sometimes I wished that we'd never met.   
  
I hate being the one to continuously inflict pain on you.   
I hate seeing sadness in your eyes every time I coldly turned   
away. I hate watching you walk down the street at night, looking   
so lonely and forlorn because I refused the offer of taking a   
walk with you.   
  
I hate myself.   
  
If it was fate that made us meet, then I wonder if it can   
be changed.   
  
  
~From my heart, I want to tell you,  
We're wounded too much, but there's still time.~  
  
  
I want to tell you badly. There were so many times when I   
opened my mouth, yet nothing came out. I want to tell you   
everything but something held me back. I want to confess my love   
to you so I can wipe away that pain in your eyes.   
  
I want to offer you my soul.  
  
But I could not.   
  
Both of us were wounded. Each of us had our own tragic   
past, too painful to be revealed. How can I drop all my pain   
onto your shoulders? No, I refuse to do that to you.   
  
But we still have time. Kase is dead, and Aya-chan is   
awake and well in Tokyo. Still have time for you to recover from   
what had happened, and for me to change. Change back to what I   
was, what I could have been if Aya-chan did not go into coma. I   
want to change.  
  
I want to change for you.   
  
  
~From my heart, I love you.  
I want to wipe away all of the pain falling on you,  
I For You.~  
  
  
There are so many things I want to say to you. So many   
things I want to do. I want to kiss you and wipe away your   
tears. Wipe away the pain that lurked within your eyes.   
  
  
~From my heart, I want to tell you,  
If I could just see your smile forever.~  
  
  
I want to hold you and feel your warmth when I'm cold. I   
want to share my own warmth with you, to shelter you from the   
storm. I want to protect you from the beasts that stalked the   
night. I want to see your smile, to never see you frown.   
  
  
~From my heart, I love you.  
I want to gather all of the light falling on you,  
I For You. ~  
  
  
But most of all I want to say one thing to you. I want to   
finally find the courage to say...  
  
I love you.  
  
  
~ Owari ~  
  
Ugh, horrible, horrible ending. .. 


End file.
